Friday, April 16, 2010

2010 predictions

I think it’s high time we laid out some pre-season predictions. Our crack research team has been working around the clock running different heuristics on our server bank of super computers, and we’ve finally come up with the ultimate algorithm for picking the GBL champs for the 2010 season. The NHL has Maggie the Monkey and Cecil the Hamster, but we have a new slant on making our picks. Our research team has scientifically simulated battles between the teams based on their nicknames. Since the GBL format of first and second half winners limits my fun, I have invented my own playoff format (arbitrarily assuming an “alphabetical” finish). But you can still go to Vegas with this prediction, I can promise you that!

Calgary Vipers
Chico Outlaws
Edmonton Capitals
St George Roadrunners
Victoria Seals

Round 1 – Roadrunners vs. Seals to get down to 4 teams. A roadrunner is fast but small while a seal is big but slow, so it is tough to get them to engage. When they do, the roadrunner pecks at the seal but with one bite, Seymour takes the roadrunner. Seals win.

Round 2 – Vipers vs. Seals. While the seal tries to repeat Round 1, the viper’s bite has a bit more kick that the roadrunner. After several successful strikes, Seymour’s vision blurs from the venom and he slumps to the ground. Vipers win

Outlaws vs. Capitals. What is a “Capital”? Going by the logo, it is an Edmonton Superhero. So recalling Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Arc, the superhero flies around with some flashy moves but when he lands, the outlaw simply draws his gun and shoots him. Being from Canada, the naïve superhero lacks bulletproof attire. Outlaws win.

North Final – Outlaws vs. Vipers. Initially, the outlaw tries to shoot the viper but he proves to be an elusive target, biding his time to strike a lethal bite. It is a tough battle but in the end, the outlaw runs out of bullets and the viper’s patience eventually pays off. Vipers win.

Maui Na Koa Ikaika Maui (Warriors)
Orange County Flyers
Tijuana Cimarrones (Rams)
Tucson Toros
Yuma Scorpions

Round 1 – Toros vs. Scorpions to get to 4 teams. It is a bad matchup for the lethal scorpion as the Toro (bull) is massive in comparison. Ignoring the stinger of death, a quick stomp and the scorpion is mush. Toros win.

Round 2 – Warriors vs. Toros. This time it is a bad matchup for the bull. Armed with a spear, the warrior deftly dances away from the horns and eventually – after many jabs – lethally stabs the bull. Warriors win.

Flyers vs. Cimarrones. For the record, a “Flyer” is a train so this one is a no brainer. Ram steps on the tracks ready to lock horns, the flyer slams it, and the engineer enjoys his prize with a nice mint sauce. Flyers win.

South Final – Flyers vs. Warriors. The warrior is more cunning than the ram and does not step on the tracks. Instead, the warrior goes far away and lays logs and rocks on the track and then taunts the engineer. The flyer feels invincible and races towards the warrior but in a huge upset, is derailed and tumbles off the track. Warriors win.

FINALS – Vipers vs. Warriors. This matchup looks a lot like the Vipers/Outlaws in the North final. This time though, there is no gun and the warrior draws a spear and begins lunging at the viper. It is a close fight, the viper strikes but never hits flesh. Finally, the spear pins the snake and a quick knife ends this epic battle. Warriors win.

So there you have it, a Warriors/Vipers final with Maui winning in its inaugural season.

Aloha and mahalo.